Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
