The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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