You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
