On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
