How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My liver just had a heart attack.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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