just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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