I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
