While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
