I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize