My underwear smells like fireworks.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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