I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
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