mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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