Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
