just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
4 words: hood of his car
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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