My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
