I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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