Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize