I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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