Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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