Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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