I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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