I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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