Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
