I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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