Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
