i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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