Please, let me fuck your mom
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
