The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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