been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
