I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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