Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
