Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
