you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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