Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
