Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
