The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize