I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
