Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
