I haven't been this sober since birth.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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