I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
