Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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