May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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