he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
