Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
