Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
