Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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