the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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