dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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