I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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