did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
