She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize