i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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