and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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