i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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