I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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