Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
