I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
