I wish I only lived at night.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Im part way to drunk.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
