fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
