She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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