I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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