before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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