Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Randomize
