It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
