so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
